Dear Photographz

Dear photographz,

You spent ten years giving us pleasure, support, strength and companionship. Now you’re a Pritt Stick.

Nadia Cholmondley-Hughes

Dear Photographz,

This is where I threw my can of Tango on Thursday. It tasted a bit like worm medicine and, anyway, I needed my hands free so I could undo my bra for Dave.

Dorothy Mayers

Dear Photographz,

Remember when we found Carl trying to ride the rock? He thought it was horse and that we were in Narnia. He kept shouting “Spring is coming! The evil queen is dead! Rise up my beautiful steed and we can ride into the dawn!”

He was wearing his Adidas poppers and had Primula in his hair.

Abby Forgate

Dear Photographz,

You told me my breasts were like two ripe turnips.

We never had sex.

Deborah Holdington

Dear Photographz,

He loved golf. And tacos. Which is funny, because we never did go abroad. Apart from that weekend break at the Swindon Travelodge for our ruby wedding.

Pamela Cook

Dear Photographz,

Goodbye is the hardest word to say. So I’ll just say, “Piss off you saggy old bitch. I hope you and that chinless merk Derek are very happy together. Don’t bother coming back for your stuff - I’ve covered it in lucozade so the dogs will piss on it. But, I would like my World of War videos back. Just put them in the post, along with your key.”

Elaine Bollings

Dear Photographz,

My wonderful grandmother used to pick me up in her arms, bury her soft cheek into my hair and whisper, “This house has a prettier face than you, you little shit”.

Annie Coronet

Dear Photographz,

Teaching you to read was the proudest achievement of my life. Apart from when I had a piss without even taking off my shorts. 

Adrienne Costcombe

Dear Photographz,

You had the heart of a warrior, the skull of an ox, the strength of a king and a double hernia on your arse that looked a bit like Pavarotti.

Rob Marlowe

Dear Photographz,

Remember that night we made a panini out of Jim’s waterproof trousers and two slices of doormat? Then we sat on the church steps and had a throw the spit competition? Noddy got his a metre and a half.

Matt Sherman